Oh hai!

Long time, no write...

I've been thinking I should dust off my poor old blog and add a post. Then one of my very favorite bloggers linked to this post. Go ahead and take a look - I can wait.

I originally began this blog because I felt alone and unheard. Not that I have lots of followers (hi, Mom!), but the simple act of expressing my thoughts was enough. Then I got a new job with coworkers who were fun and supportive, so I didn't feel "unheard" any longer. Over time, things have changed at that job and once again my voice feels useless. 

In light of these changes, I've started thinking seriously about trying to start my own business. I'm hoping I can start small and work it as a side gig, then when the world falls in love with my chocolates, I can jump to full time. It's not easy because the depression is still there, which makes it difficult to think clearly. It's also tough to get back into the swing of a 2nd job. I try to do a little something every day and that should become a habit.

One of the first things is to get my recipes together. Some of my older confections don't even have a recipe because I just added flavors and chocolate until it tasted right. Oh, past Sarah... (shaking head)  Taste tester volunteers are easy to find, although careful testers are a little trickier to track down. Some of my testers are family members, which means I can also work out some shipping kinks in the process.

 If you have any tips for starting a side gig, PLEASE pass them along. I'm almost afraid to start making a task list because the sheer volume of stuff to be done is overwhelming.

Snack Attack

There's something so relaxing about having the house to myself and time to experiment. I spend most of my time in the kitchen because I have to. I know that when I eat quality food, I feel better. On our budget, that means cooking all the meals, most of the snacks, and some of the desserts. (Thank heaven for plantain chips in coconut oil, pre-made organic guacamole, Hail Mary tarts, and Sejoyia cookies!) I used to love cooking, searching out new recipes, and learning new techniques, but lately I mostly feel like a galley slave. Today I had an exceedingly rare combination - time alone in the house AND a short to-do list. So I was inspired to level up my snacking!

I love fresh-ground almond butter. There's usually some in my fridge, but not a lot of it (because I ate most of it already). A crisp apple and some plain almond butter has been my go-to snack since I started following a paleo/primal eating plan. It's tasty and satisfying, and somehow I never really get tired of it. I've been seduced by those plantain chips with guac lately, and it seemed like it might be a good idea to get back onto a healthier track. Fancy almond butters should do the trick.

Apple Dip

1/2 cup fresh ground almond butter or plain almond butter
1/2 cup coconut butter/coconut manna
1 1/2 tsp ground cinnamon
1/8 tsp salt

Add all ingredients to the top of a double boiler or bowl over a saucepan of steaming water. Once the coconut butter starts to melt, mix well. Stir occasionally until coconut butter and almond butter are very soft and all ingredients are well combined. Dip apple slices (or whatever your taste buds want) and enjoy. This should probably be stored in the fridge, but will need to be warmed before using. Coconut butter gets pretty danged solid once it's refrigerated.

And because I like salty snacks almost as much as I like the sweet ones, I made a savory almond butter, too.

Celery Stuffin'

1 cup fresh ground almond butter or plain almond butter
1/2 tsp salt
1/4 tsp liquid smoke
pinch of garlic powder
pinch of onion powder

Warm the almond butter in the top of a double boiler or in a bowl over a saucepan of steaming water. Once it softens, add the seasonings and mix well. Dip celery sticks (or whatever makes you happy) and enjoy.

This one might be a bit subtle for some taste buds, so you might want to increase the amounts on the seasoning. If you like heat, I suspect some sriracha would be good in it, too. Let me know in the comments if you create any tasty variations!

Much yum

SAD - It's not depression, it's a throwback

What if Seasonal Affective Disorder (for winter, at least) is actually a coping mechanism? I mean, think about it...  A lot more of human history happened by candlelight than by electric light. When there was more night than day and the weather was bitter, people did as little as possible outdoor work, then kept themselves and their livestock indoors where it was warmer and safer. They slept more, which helped to conserve their often meager resources through that season. If a person had their normal levels of energy, cabin fever would be a serious problem, but S.A.D. would help avoid that situation. 

S.A.D. feels different from my other depression, too. During other depressive episodes, I experience self-loathing, sometimes suicidal thoughts, insomnia, and irrational anger/annoyance, in addition to my lack of motivation or energy. During S.A.D. episodes, I feel like sleeping more, eating things that increase my personal layers of insulation, and sitting quietly indoors, but I don't feel badly about myself. My genetic background includes a lot of German along with a smattering of other northern European influences. In other words, people who would have spend half of the year sleeping more, eating high-calorie meals, and staying indoors as much as possible. So maybe my S.A.D. is not a disorder at all--it's an evolutionary coping mechanism for conditions that no longer exist. Because we have electric lights, cars, and better heaters, we are now expected to continue "business as usual" all year long. But my system is geared toward a season of withdrawal and quiet, so continuing to keep up with everyday life is difficult for me.

Maybe this winter, I'll try to find a happy medium. Exercise just enough to stay strong, go to bed a little earlier, and schedule some time to sit quietly and read every day. I'll give myself permission to rest and retreat a little more and cooperate with my instincts.

Apparently, winter drools a little...

Huevos Whatever

Here's another "open a can of" recipe that works for any meal.  It's particularly good as second breakfast after a long run.  There has been some controversy over what to call it, as my roomie thought it looked Christmasy but I feel that the number of green things in the dish was more important.  (I also suspect that giving it a holiday name might limit the number of weekends that some people would be willing to eat it.)  We have currently settled on calling it "Huevos Verdes" when it's snuggled under a blanket of guacamole* or using "Huevos Navidad" when it's topped with golden shredded cheese.  Whatever the name, I call it stupendous weekend food:

Huevos Whatever/Huevos Verdes/Huevos Navidad

approx. 1 tsp butter
14 oz can fire-roasted diced tomatoes
1/2 bag of frozen chopped spinach (they are 12 oz, I think?)
1 tsp ground cumin
1 1/2 tsp chili powder
2-4 eggs
Guacamole or shredded cheese

Melt the butter in a frying pan or saute pan over medium heat.  Add tomatoes (with their juice) and heat until simmering.  Add frozen spinach.  Heat, stirring occasionally, until spinach is warmed through.  Thoroughly mix in cumin and chili powder.  Simmer until liquid has thickened/evaporated to your taste.  Turn the heat down to medium-low and use a large spoon to make one depression in the mixture for each egg.  Break the eggs into the nests you made for them.  Put a lid on the pan and cook until the egg is done the way you like it.  (I like runny yolks, my roomie prefers solid ones.  He's a bit odd.)  Scoop into bowls and top with guacamole or shredded cheese.  Enjoy!


What will you call yours?  Leave a comment and let me know!  (Or leave a comment and correct my admittedly faulty Spanish--whatever pleases you most.)

*Thanks for that description, Papa Don.  It's a comforting dish and that was the perfect phrase for it.

Three Good Things 1.14.15

The winter blues have got me by the throat again and it’s been particularly bad for the last few weeks.  I’m going to try to go back to an old anti-depression technique and start looking for three good things each day.  I’m also going to try to post them here, since this is such a handy spot to write stuff down.  Yesterday was particularly horrible:  feeling incredibly isolated, getting bad news, going to a meeting for work instead of meeting my friends for a run.  Finding three good things in yesterday has taken some effort.

1. Went to the library and got some interesting-looking books plus a new TV series to watch during the couch-sitting that goes on so regularly these days.
2. Ran into an ex-coworker/friend at the evening meeting and had a chance to catch up with her.
3. Ate leftover Jambalayish for dinner, which is just as tasty on Day 3 as on Day 1 (recipe below).  It was tasty enough to overcome my sads and get me to eat a reasonable dinner.

The only thing missing from the dinner was cornbread.  I know this because someone in the household WAS eating cornbread and it smelled yummy enough to make my mouth water a little.  Normally, I try very hard to stay away from the Primal/Paleo baked goods substitutes, but a lightly sweet, slightly crumbly bread product would be such a great compliment to the dish.  This is another “throw stuff in the slow cooker” recipe because minimal effort works well for me right now.

Jambalayish

Ingredients:

Chicken (approx 1 lb) in bite-size pieces (I used leftover chicken breast)

Andouille sausage (approx 1 lb), cut in 1/4” slices (cook it first—it slices better that way)

1 onion, chopped

1 green pepper, chopped

2 stalks celery, chopped

2-3 cloves garlic, minced

2 c. okra (optional) (I used a 12 oz bag of frozen, sliced okra—minimal effort again)

1-2 c. chicken broth or stock (if you’re spooning over rice or like it more soupish, use 2 c. broth)

14.5 oz can fire-roasted tomatoes

6 oz. can tomato paste

2 bay leaves

1 rounded Tbsp Tony Chachere’s original seasoning blend

½ tsp dried thyme

1 tsp dried parsley

1 lb raw, deveined, peeled shrimp

 

Instructions:

Toss everything except the shrimp in the slow-cooker.  Mix well.  Cook on Low for 6 hours.  Add shrimp and cook for an additional 20-30 minutes (until shrimp are just cooked).

Serve with Frank’s Hot Sauce or some sriracha (if you like it spicy) and spoon over rice, cauliflower rice, celery root “grits,” or salad greens.  Or skip the fancy stuff and serve it like the stew it is.  Enjoy!

I have no idea if this would freeze well because we’re eating it all up too quickly to try that.  I suspect the thing to do would be to freeze it without the shrimp in it and add them whenever you thaw it.  If you try the recipe, leave a comment and let me know what you thought!  And if you know of a good Primal/Paleo cornbread substitute, please tell me where to find the recipe.

And if you have time, read this because depression doesn't always look like you might think it does.

Missing Art

Once upon a time, I thought of myself as an artist.  I’ve played around with a wide variety of tools and techniques over the years.  About a week ago, an image popped into my mind just as I was waking up and I saw it as a pen and ink drawing.  As I was talking to a friend who agreed to be a hand model for the piece, I realized that it has been years since I worked on anything I thought of as an art project.  Between the divorce (and subsequent dating), working 6 days a week, and learning to run, I haven’t had much time for art.  I created a piece of jewelry for friend a couple of years ago, and a handmade book/journal for my mom a year or two prior to that.  That’s it.

Of course, I’ve been writing during this time period.  Mostly blog posts, but also poetry.  I’m not certain why I don’t consider writing as art.  Maybe because the process of composing an essay is so different from the process of designing?  Poems usually come to me in a rush and as a whole, editing rarely required, so that process is different from either writing or designing.  Generally, it seems I have been crafting—creating chocolate flavors and costumes and crocheting and card-making.  These things sometimes use techniques from my various artistic endeavors, but they aren’t really art.  They rarely evoke an emotional response, which has normally been my motivation for creating art in the past.

Definitions aside, I have experienced inspiration for the first time in a very long time.  Now I’m worried that my drawing skills have deteriorated, so I’ve started making backup plans to create the image as a sculpture, possibly even as a painting.  Ah, my lack of confidence makes me want to shake myself until my eyeballs rattle.  Thank heaven for the library—I picked up a couple of drawing books, including this one, which looks like a fun way to get back to my roots.   

Doesn't it look like fun?

I’ve been working so much in other media that I haven’t done any drawing other than sketching costume or jewelry ideas in maybe a decade.  In flipping through the book, I’ve found quite a few exercises that make me nervous but also excited.  It’s tough to say how this will turn out, but I’ve got a new sketchbook and sharpened my pencils.  Now I just have to find a volunteer to be a model for my life drawings…anyone up for it?  Heck, you get naked and sit still while you’re randomly stared at for 3 hours—who WOULDN’T want to try that?

Illin'

I’m not sure I can think of a way to talk about this without sounding like a whiner.  This depression is really starting to get me down, you know?  It stole any sense of pride or accomplishment I might have gotten from completing my first marathon.  How unfair is that?  I should have been so pleased/excited/happy/ proud but instead I just felt relieved that it was over.  If it weren’t for wine, crafty crap, and cats, I don’t know how I’d cope.  Depression lies to you and I know that, but it talks so loudly and it’s always so certain that I’m (pick ANY negative descriptor—I’ve said it to myself at some point).  It’s been six months now.  It’s like serving time except you have no idea how long your sentence will last.  Could start feeling better next week.  Could still be in this headspace at Christmas.  During my marathon training, I was wondering how much more depressed I would be if I weren’t running so damned much.  Well.  Turns out to be a fair amount more depressed.  I haven’t been able to run since the marathon due to physical issues of one sort or another and things are absolutely getting worse.

Of course, there are plenty of things I do that keep it from getting too bad.  I take the right vitamins and supplements, I exercise (still walking 10-20 miles per week), I try to get out of the house, I stay busy.  I’m beginning to find myself withdrawing from my friends now.  I’ve tried a few times to suggest a girl’s night, but they all have partners* who are so cool they can’t be left behind, even for one night.  (Either that, or they need some moral support to deal with being around me for an entire evening—don’t think I haven’t considered that angle.)  Being the 3^rd, 5^th, or 7^th wheel has lost its appeal and become more of a chance to find something different to be depressed about rather than a beneficial social interaction.  I occasionally consider getting back on the online dating sites, but that feels almost like an addiction at this point.  (i.e. “I feel like crap about myself, I need some positive feedback and here’s an easy source.”) Maybe prescription drugs are the way to go, but they have such unpleasant side effects.  Hopefully I’ll heal up from this physical mess and get back to running very soon.  At least then I’ll only be kinda bummed instead of the way I feel now.

*I use the term partner because some of my friends are married and some are dating, and because I believe the terminology should be the same across the board, whether you are gay or straight, married, living together, or dating.  You are romantically involved with that person currently (and if you’re romantically involved with more than one, you have partners—simple as that).  It’s easier all around, but I doubt it will catch on since it doesn’t give anyone a social cue about the status of your romantic relationship or if your significant other (or others) happen to be the same gender as you are. Humans are so illogical.

Work It

Perhaps what I really need is a job where I work in Australia during their summer, then come back to the U.S. for our summer...  

It is my sun.  MINE! muahahahahahahahaha!

No more winter, no more S.A.D., lots more playing outside after dinner.  Sounds like a good gig, donchya think?!

Changes keep ringing

Whew.  The new job is still awesome, but dang!  I've been soooo busy.  I am enjoying having weekends mostly free but I still don't have the interwebz in my house, so I haven't gotten around to writing anything new here.  I have finally unpacked though.  And Miss Bella is enjoying our balcony as long as the neighbor's dogs are not sharing her air.  She and I hang out there as often as we can, and I have to admit it's a marvelous place to spend an afternoon with a bottle of wine and a good book.

City Kitty keeps an eye on the passers-by

Got a new phone, which is smarter than my old phone.  As soon as I can figure out how to make it send pictures for real instead of lying to me about it, I'll post the view off the balcony.  I did get my personal library shelved, so you can admire that for the moment:

Paperbacks, over-sized, antique volumes, children's books

collections, non-fiction, misc fiction in hardback, city kitty

In other news, my good old car finally croaked.  It's been towed away, never to return.  The rubber duckie collection from the rear window is languishing in a box inside the apartment.  If anyone has a car for sale that is an automatic, less than 20 years old, less than 200,000 miles, for less than $2000, not required any serious mechanical work--please let me know!  I live about a mile from my new job, so I can walk to work (easy to get my exercise this way, too) but it would be helpful to have a way to get some cat litter home.

I know it's been a while since I posted, but you might recall that I was looking forward to spending time with a certain someone after I moved.  Well, that seems to have dissolved into a morass of anxiety, depression, lies, possibly some drugs or something--I have no clue.  Honestly, I'm not the one who is falling apart.  You can't help someone who won't talk to you. I went through an incredibly similar scenario a couple of years ago with someone else and it sucks just as much (maybe even more) this time around.  If I could borrow Jen and her buddies from "Jen" e sais quoi, I'd really appreciate it.  If a girl can't have a boyfriend, she should at least have some pals to bitch about men with, right? 

PS.  This is my 100th post!  Wo0t!!

Snow Falling On Runners

I was surprised by the number of people who were out running in the crazy cold yesterday morning.  I saw quite a few within a mile of the parking lot but by the time I was a couple of miles into the woods, I seemed to have the trails to myself.  I stopped to stretch my calves and took a moment to look around.  Snow was sifting softly through the trees and I smiled to myself and thought “man, I sure do hate snow.”  Running when it’s snowing is like running through cobwebs that never stop sticking to your face.  Ick. 

C’mon Spring!  I. Am. Ready!!